Delivered at TEDx Dilworth Park on May 11, 2024
In this talk Lyndsey shares the core insight that changed everything for her: understanding the power of our thoughts, the words we use, and the perspectives we hold.
Transcript
(Edited for clarity and ease of reading.)
Introduction
I was over at my friend’s house, and we were watching the Lego Movie. Have you seen it?
(singing) “Everything is awesome.”
A song from the movie.
And there’s a pivotal part of the movie where the main character has the opportunity to say one thing to all of the inhabitants of Legoland. And my friend, he looks at me, and he asks me, he said, if you could say one thing to all of the people of the world, what would that one thing be?
It was such a good question. So I wanted to sound super smart and philosophical in return, but my mind just totally blanked. And it’s funny because that happened about a decade ago, and I had not thought about that situation until recently when I was reverse engineering this talk. And I asked myself, if I could leave you all with one message, one thing, what would that be?
Thankfully, it came to me immediately: Thoughts, words, and perspectives.
Let’s start with thoughts.
Thoughts
Around the time that I was at my friend’s house watching the Lego movie, I was miserable. I was exhausted. If we were going to put a label on it, I was a people-pleasing perfectionist workaholic.
And around that time was when I was trying to do things to feel better. I did everything they tell us to do: yoga, meditation, journaling, working out. Nothing made me feel better until I went to therapy.
You see, I had fought going to therapy for a while because I thought I was going to get a whole bunch of, “how do you feel?” But what I really got was a focus on my thoughts. And I started to wonder: if I made a concerted effort to learn about my thoughts and my thought processes, and if I had managed my thoughts better, would I be able to make the change that I wanted? Would I be able to feel better?
And after a decade of research and study and self-experimentation, I can tell you, yes. In fact, I can guarantee it. When you focus on your thoughts, you will change your life. And it’s interesting because when I taught emotional intelligence, which is considered one of the highest skills contributed to success, I noticed that a lot of people had trouble managing their emotions, which is part of emotional intelligence, because they weren’t managing their thoughts.
You thoughts are at the beginning of a chain of events that lead to your emotions. Your emotions then lead to how you respond or you react, and then that leads to your results. And if you look at life holistically, we would see that all our lives are, are the end results of these chain reactions that begin with our thoughts.
And I would go so far as to say that managing your thoughts is more important than managing your emotions.
It’s more important than emotional intelligence when it comes to success.
Ironic Process Theory
If I had to go back and do it all over again and learn to manage my thoughts again, there’s one concept I would focus on in It’s called ironic process theory. Ironic process theory can sound intimidating, but it really all just means that your mind doesn’t recognize thoughts. So if I tell you don’t think of something blue, you’re going to think of something blue.
And if I say, no, really, really, don’t think of something blue, you’re going to really be thinking of something blue.
What ironic process theory tells us is that if we want to have the best chain reaction, if we want to start the best chain reaction with our thoughts to get the best results, we need to focus on what we want instead of what we don’t want. And this can sound like common sense. You might be wondering, like, why is she telling me this?
But it’s easier said than done. We’re all guilty of it. We focus on not wanting to be late instead of wanting to be on time. And it’s so much easier to go to your partner and say, we never go out anymore, which is what you don’t want, than it is to be vulnerable and face potential rejection and to go to your partner and say, “hey, I love when you take me out, can you take me out tonight?”
And it’s funny because I teach this stuff. And when I was getting ready for this speech, I was thinking about how I didn’t want to mess up. I didn’t want to say umm. I didn’t want to confuse you. I didn’t want to go over my time. I didn’t want to say too much. I didn’t want to have wrinkles in my shirt. Finally, I’m like, “girl, what do you want?”
I wanted to give a clear and concise message: thoughts, words, and perspectives.
Words
Your thoughts matter. And your words matter. Because your words are how you communicate your thoughts, not only to other people, but also to yourself. And while you work to manage your thoughts there’s one word that I need you to remove from your vocabulary, one word that I do not use: overthinking.
By now, research tells us that the majority of people overthink, they “think too much.” And it’s become common for us to tell ourselves and other people, “oh, you’re overthinking it.” Or we’re overthinking it. Or “don’t overthink it.” But it hasn’t always been this way.
If you Google the term “overthinking” and relevancy of the term overtime, you would see that it was barely ever used until 1992, that it jumped, skyrocketed in popularity, 160% This doesn’t show us that people are thinking more than ever.
This is an indication of a lack of mental health education.
Because if you knew about your thoughts, and ironic process theory, you would know that you need to focus on what you want, not what you don’t want.
When you say you’re overthinking, you put yourself in a position where you’re forced to think about how you don’t want to think about something. And then you’re thinking about how you don’t want to think about it, but then you don’t want to think about it because you’re thinking about it because you don’t want to think about it. And you think about things that you don’t want to think about. And then you’re thinking about the things you don’t want to think about, but also thinking about how you don’t want to think about it.
Usually at night… when you’re trying to go to sleep.
Perspectives
Our thoughts matter, and our words matter, because with our thoughts and our words, we shape our perspectives.
A perspective that I see a lot of people get stuck with, or get stuck on, is that they think they are their thoughts. They identify as their thoughts. You are not your thoughts, you are the awareness of your thoughts, and your thoughts are your greatest resource.
Your thoughts are more important than money. They’re more important than time, because your thoughts influence how you spend your money and your time. And you need to make sure that you are effectively allocating your greatest resource. A way to do that is to reflect instead of ruminate. Rumination is when you get stuck repeating a thought over and over again.
You’re thinking about something, but you can’t get out of it. You’re stuck in the past.
Reflection is when you stay in your present moment, and you intentionally look back on the past in order to gain data and so you can make the best change reactions in the future.
Reflection is when you intentionally stay in your present moment, and you look back on the past to gain data and insights so you can make the best change reactions in the future.
The way that you would do this is by asking yourself questions. Say you say something, and you regret it, or you give a talk, and you say a word that you didn’t mean to say, and you’re beating yourself up for it later. You would ask yourself, “okay, well, how would it have ideally worked out?”
“Well, I wouldn’t have said that.”
All right. Considering that I can’t go back in time and I can’t control certain things, what would I do in order to make the situation better? Is there anything I can do? Do I have to live with it and work on acceptance? Is there someone I can apologize to?
And then you ask yourself, “if I would do the situation over or if I’m in a similar situation in the future, how would I respond?”
When you reflect, you gave yourself the opportunity to use your greatest resource to your advantage, and there is a big difference in your life when your thoughts are your cheerleader than when they’re against you.
Conclusion
Back when my friend asked me what I would say to the world I realize now that I didn’t have anything to say because I wasn’t in a position to be saying anything. I needed to focus on myself, and not only did I need to focus on myself and my thoughts, I needed to figure out what I wanted before I could even focus on it.
And now, being on the other side, and knowing the power of thoughts, and how it can lead you to do things that you never thought that you would do, and do it very well, if I might say so myself, I hope that I influenced you today to focus on your thoughts and your words and your perspectives.
Watch the talk
About Lyndsey:
Lyndsey is the founder of The Thought Method Co. and the creator of thought literacy.
After a decade of research into neuro-linguistic programming and cognitive functioning, she identified a gap: while emotional intelligence (EQ) helped people manage emotions, there was no defined skill set for managing thoughts. She developed thought literacy, a practical framework to help people understand, manage, and improve their thinking, to fill that gap.
Lyndsey is available for 1:1 coaching sessions and group speaking events.
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