“If something’s wrong, just say it.”
“Speak your truth.”
“You have to stand up for yourself, no one else will.”
We hear this kind of advice all the time, and in theory, it makes perfect sense. But speaking up for yourself is a lot harder than it sounds, and if people actually knew how to speak up for themselves, they likely would have already done it.
The advice to “just say something” becomes generic and dismissive when it skips over the fact that doing so takes real effort and courage—especially if you’ve never been taught how.
Here you’ll learn why speaking up is easier said than done, what it actually takes, how to actually speak up for yourself, and why it’s worth the effort.
Why speaking up for yourself is easier said than done
Many people assume that standing up for yourself is just something you’re naturally “good” or “bad” at, but it’s not. It’s a skill like any other. And like any skill, it takes learning, practice, and trial and error to improve.
If you weren’t taught how to express your needs or set boundaries as a child, it’s completely unrealistic to expect that you’d know how to do it fluently as an adult. For many, speaking up doesn’t feel intuitive because it was never modeled or encouraged.
Most people don’t stay silent because they’re weak or unaware. They stay silent because silence is all they’ve known, and, in some way, feels safer. Here are some potential reasons people may be nervous to use their voice:
- Fear of conflict: Many of us have been in situations where speaking up led to backlash, arguments, or punishment. If your past experiences taught you that using your voice creates more problems, you’ll understandably have an urge to avoid that risk.
- Fear of rejection: Speaking up can make you feel exposed. You might worry people will think you’re too sensitive, too demanding, or too difficult. That fear of being seen differently—or worse, being shut out—can make staying quiet feel like the safer option.
- Lack of confidence: If you do not have practice, or you’ve rarely been encouraged to voice your opinion, or if had your thoughts dismissed in the past, it’s easy to start believing your voice doesn’t matter.
Cultural and social pressures
Cultural norms play a huge role in how we relate to speaking up. In many environments, people are explicitly or implicitly taught that being quiet is respectful, mature, or appropriate.
- If you were raised in a culture or household where disagreeing with authority was seen as disrespect, you likely learned early on to keep your thoughts to yourself.
- Many cultures also socialize girls and women to prioritize harmony, avoid confrontation, and “be nice” rather than be direct.
- In workplace settings or school environments, hierarchy reinforces silence, and speaking can be seen as “talking back” or stepping out of line.
- Even in friendships or relationships, people are often told things like “don’t make a big deal” or “let it go,” reinforcing the message that comfort and peace are more important than honesty.
These cultural cues are subtle but powerful. Over time, they condition you to believe that your thoughts are either dangerous, unnecessary, or unwanted.
Cultural and the avoidance of accountability
We also live in a culture that teaches us that we need to be perfect which leads some people to avoid accountability at all costs. So we’re constantly told to “speak up” or “be honest,” but when we do, even the people who gave that advice may be the same ones to hut down or get defensive.
Emotionally immature people don’t respond with openness or curiosity. Instead, they act like they’re being attacked. They’ll twist the situation, avoid accountability, or turn it around on you. The goal becomes not to repair or understand, but to shift blame and avoid feeling exposed.
This kind of dynamic is encouraged in popular books like The 48 Laws of Power, teaching people to avoid looking weak at all costs and to “strike the shepherd” when challenged. In other words, don’t self-reflect, just retaliate. And platforms like Andrew Tate’s have only made this worse, pushing a mindset that treats any challenge as disrespect.
In this type of environment, you’re told to advocate for yourself, but there is a chance you will be criticized for your tone or told you’re “too sensitive” when you do. It creates a losing cycle. You’re encouraged to be honest, but punished when your honesty is inconvenient.
It’s no wonder people stay silent.
Internal doubts and negative self-talk
Eventually, those external pressures become internal voices. You start telling yourself:
- “It’s not worth it.”
- “I’ll sound stupid.”
- “They’ll just get mad.”
- “No one’s going to listen anyway.”
And once that tape starts playing in your head, it becomes harder to separate what you fear will happen from what actually will happen.
What it really takes to speak up
There isn’t one right way to speak up. And what it takes for one person might be totally different for someone else. This depends on your experiences and your current starting point.
- A socially anxious person might just need to slow down and choose the right words
- A trauma survivor might need to rebuild a sense of safety before using their voice
- Someone who grew up being ignored or dismissed might need to unlearn the belief that their voice doesn’t matter
There’s no one-size-fits-all. But here are a few things that can help:
- Emotional courage: Doing it even when you’re scared. Remind yourself that courage isn’t the absence of fear, it’s acknowledging the fear and doing it anyway.
- Self-awareness: Knowing what you think and feel in the first place. Reflect on why speaking up is important to you and what might be holding you back.
- Patience: You won’t get it perfect the first time. That’s okay. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that progress is important, perfection is a lie.
- Support: It’s easier with support. Talk to a friend or post in a sub and ask others how they would speak up for themselves in certain situations.
I love the “rejection therapy” series. Here you can watch someone “speaking up” and asking for things (albeit a lot of them silly). It will help remove some pressure and bring lightness to the learning process.
Remember: Speaking up isn’t about being fearless. It’s about showing up with your truth, even if your voice shakes.
How to start
You don’t need to start by calling out your boss or confronting a parent. Start where you are.
- Find your goal: Get clear on why you are speaking up for yourself. Consider it a destination. If the conversation gets derailed, come right back here.
- Lean into reasonability: If someone asked you what you want to ask, would you think it’s reasonable? If yes, then anchor your confidence there.
- Small steps: If you tend to go where the group wants, start speaking up for yourself by making suggestions. Or practice low-stakes requests, like asking for a reusable cup at a coffee shop.
- Practice: Think of times you previously did not speak up for yourself, find the goal, lean into reasonability, and visualize what you would have said.
- Rehearse out loud: Say what you want to say in the mirror or record yourself first. You can also rehearse with a friend or write in a journal.
- Use “I” statements: Instead of: “You always ignore me,” try framing it as: “I feel dismissed when I don’t get a response.”
- Power pose and smile: Before going into a conversation (even a phone call) do a power pose and smile. That way when you start to speak up for yourself you’ll feel more seen and heard.
Practicing what you want to say at home or in your safe space can be easier than actually speaking up, and it will help you build the skill of speaking up for yourself.
Common mistakes to prepare for
Like any skill, speaking up has a learning curve. You will likely make mistakes along the way no matter how well you prepare. Here’s what might happen:
- Overengineering. You may think about what to say on repeat and get yourself psyched up, so when the time comes you may be more emotionally charged than is needed.
- Going too hard too fast. Assertiveness is not aggression. You can be clear and kind at the same time. But when you first start out your anxiety around standing up for yourself can come off intense.
- Taking peoples responses personally. Some people will shut down. That’s not a reflection of your worth or your delivery. Remember to focus on reasonability.
- Missing your shot. You may feel ready when you practice but then flake in the moment. That’s OK. It happens to the best of us.
- Negative self talk. If you meant to speak up but didn’t, or if things didn’t go as planned, it’s easy to think “I always mess this up.” But that’s not true. Instead, remind yourself how awesome it is that you are trying. You are working to improve yourself, this work is hard!
Knowing common mistakes will help you work thought them with compassion. The above mistakes are common, but since were all different, just know that you may mess up another way. Just remember, it’s not the mistakes that matter, it’s what you do with them that counts.
Why it’s worth it
Speaking up isn’t just about changing the situation, it’s about changing how you show up in your own life.
Benefits you’ll notice:
- Increased self-respect – You’ll trust yourself more.
- Stronger boundaries – You’ll feel less drained and resentful.
- More honest relationships – People can’t support what you never say.
- Growth – Each time you speak up, it gets a little easier.
Even if the outcome isn’t perfect, you’ll walk away knowing you stood up for yourself. That matters.
Conclusion
This advice to speak up for yourself isn’t wrong, but it assumes that people know how to advocate for themselves, when in fact there can be real barriers in the way.
“Speak up for yourself” might sound simple, but in reality, it takes healing, courage, and practice. If you struggle with it, you’re not broken, you’re human.
Start small. Reflect. Keep going.
And remember, even the people who seem confident and tel you to speak up for yourself, have trouble speaking up for themselves too. If they didn’t, they likely wouldn’t be giving you the vague advice.
If this resonates, share it. We’re all trying to find our voice in different ways, and your story might help someone else speak up, too.