All-or-Nothing thinking (a.k.a. black and white, or extreme thinking) is an unhealthy thought habit that makes you view things in extreme, often negative, ways. It impacts your mental health, creates stress, and is common in people with depression and anxiety.
Common examples of all-or-nothing thinking include sayings like, “I never feel happy; I always feel sad.” But all-or-nothing thinking goes beyond that. And if you are going to stop this harmful thinking habit, it’s crucial to notice it in everyday situations.
Here, you’ll see a variety real-life examples of all-or-nothing thinking so you can understand it better.
1. Kim K. was criticized for saying “nobody wants to work anymore.” It’s not personal though, just an example of Kim’s extreme and all-or-nothing thinking.
2. “No one wants to work any more” has been making the rounds since the late 1800s. Cheers to that generational all-or-nothing thinking 🥂
Is it that “nobody wants to work,” or is it that people want a livable wage?
3. It is common for news outlets to mask extreme beliefs as reality. For example, this reporter who likely went out on more than her fair share of bad dates and is now spreading her extreme thinking in Huff Post articles.
I know quite a few people who date to be in relationships (including myself).
4. People who read the article may be depressed about their dating prospects. It was full of unhealthy all-or-nothing thinking.
No, not “everyone” is going on two different dates a week.
5. This example is a combination of both all-or-nothing thinking and emotional reasoning. It *feels* like it, so they think it is reality (confusing feelings for facts) but emotions are not always reality.
Nope, that’s not an expectation and communication can help here.
All-or-nothing thinking wearing you down?
Middle Think shows you how to challenge black-and-white thoughts and find the space in between.
6. Dating is a hot topic for all-or-nothing thinkers. With a lot of people trying to sell the extreme narrative that “everybody cheats”.
Having 3.1 million views on TikTok doesn’t mean something is true. If you’ve been cheated on, it might make you think everyone cheats. And if someone cheated, they might try to feel better by convincing themselves that everyone does it. But the truth is, not everyone cheats. I know plenty of people who stay faithful.
7. There are pages of this on TikTok.
8. “Everybody cheats” is also a movie, book and several songs. People really want you to believe this fake narrative.
At this point, I feel like if I had $1 for every time I see all-or-nothing thinking, I’d be a billionaire.
9. Not only Huff Post, the New York Post also likes to capitalize on all-or-nothing thinking to create fear and panic. While this situation is upsetting, it is important to remind yourself of reality and the fact that murder and violent crime rates are actually going down.
10. The New York Post likes all-or-nothing thinking so much they used it on their cover a few months later. Again, it’s really sad that a child was murdered, but that’s a specific and random situation. It doesn’t mean that no one else is safe.
11. Didn’t take long to find an example of the New York Post using all-or-nothing thinking in the 70s.
Notice how they trim it down:
1977: “No One is Safe From Son of Same”
Jan 2022: “No One is Safe”
April 2022: “No One Safe”
Got to love their dedication to the extreme thinking. What is next? Just a cover that says “No One.”
12. All-or-nothing thinking is common in a lot of songs. With Taylor Swift being a big fan of the extreme thought habit. Like these two examples in “Anti-Hero.”
Keep in mind, even though it might seem silly, it can seriously affect your mental well-being. Habits happen through repetition. So, if you keep singing that you are the problem and “everyone agrees,” you’re repeatedly telling your mind that people commonly agree. Then if you think something negative like, “I am unlovable,” you might also start believing, “and everyone agrees,” because you’ve trained your mind to think that way. You don’t have to stop listening to songs with extreme thinking; just recognize it’s not a healthy way of thinking and reject it if it pops up outside of listening to the song.
13. Here is another example of all-or-nothing thinking mixed with emotional reasoning in “I Don’t Care” by Ed Sheeran & Justin Bieber.
14. And here’s an example from Queen… I’m sure his mama loves him, oh yeah and his millions of fans who still love him decades after he died.
15. Our parents and grandparents also had to deal with extreme thinking in popular songs.
16. Even artists who claim to support mental health, like Demi Lovato, sometimes use harmful, extreme thinking in their songs. In one instance, they’re telling people that they (people) are nobody unless they have somebody, and that’s a harmful form of all-or-nothing thinking.
You are somebody, even if you are single, and even if Demi Lovato tells you otherwise.
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17. All-or-nothing thinking is sometimes masked as “motivational quotes”
No, not everything is black and white (either/or). There are times when you should take it easy, and not everything has to be about progress and getting better. It’s okay to enjoy life without always thinking about moving forward and growing. You can also experience more than one emotion simultaneously. For example, you can feel sorry for yourself and still recognize that challenges can be opportunities to learn and grow. It’s called “resiliency.”
18. Here’s an example of all-or-nothing thinking in the movie “A Bronx Tale.” The mobster Sonny repeatedly says, “nobody cares.” He lived his life thinking that way, and it made people not care about him—a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. He probably didn’t notice the people who did care, like the kid who admired Sunny his entire life.
19. A common example of all-or-nothing thinking is when people believe they always have to be the ones to send the first text. I wonder what it would be like if they actually checked and saw how many of their friends also feel like they always have to be the first to text them.
20. Not just with common identifying words, extremes like the “work hard play hard” narrative also shows all-or-nothing thinking. In this example the creator suggest you are “irrelevant” if you do not live in extremes.
Continually pushing yourself to the extreme will lead to burnout. Interestingly, 89% of Americans have experienced burnout in the past year. There are other choices, like working a regular amount and then taking it easy, or putting in extra effort for a couple of days and then finding a balance.
21. What we call the “weekend warrior” is just another result of extreme thinking.
These people are usually also the ones who have the Sunday scaries, anxiety on Sunday night. If they lived a more balanced life they would see their life as a continual flow, not just a weekend in between work weeks.
22. Not surprising weekend warriors are glorified in a culture that also glorifies extreme productivity and work.
“Everyone” and “no none” wants to work at the same time. No wonder people are depressed and confused!
23. Not just work. The divide in American politics is either one way or the other, very extreme, showing signs of all-or-nothing thinking.
24. Which brings us to all-or-nothing extremes in religions. This reverend thinks that Jesus forces his followers to choose between either/ors.
Just because you’re not supporting someone doesn’t mean you’re against them. Life is complicated. It could mean you agree with some things they say but don’t want to be their follower. It doesn’t automatically mean you’re against them in a strong way.
25. Here’s another example related to beliefs. It’s the extreme all-or-nothing idea that says, “Either you believe exactly what I believe, or you’ll go to hell.”
26. Being forced to ignore life’s complexities and make either/or decisions is also common with social issues like advocating for celibacy or giving kids access to condoms so they can have safe sex.
In this episode of 90210, the character Donna is open about waiting until marriage before having sex. Donna also supports having condoms available because she understands that life is complicated. She chooses to wait, but she doesn’t impose her views on others. Donna’s mom sees her advocating for celibacy and condoms as sending mixed messages, but it’s really about recognizing that people have different views, and make different life choices. At the end of the episode, Donna’s boyfriend David is disappointed to realize that Donna’s support for condoms doesn’t meant she was ready to have sex.
27. Having extreme all-or-nothing attitudes can also hinder people from advancing their causes. For example, some vegans believe that unless you are 100% vegan, there’s no point in trying. This mindset might discourage people who want to give it a shot and are willing to reduce their meat consumption.
As commenters pointed out, at least people are trying:
28. Now, let’s explore the extreme opinions people have about those who don’t agree with them.
This one can be a bit tricky, and it involves layers of all-or-nothing thinking.
Layer 1: Some people believe that if others don’t support them, those people are “haters.” But the opposite of love isn’t hate; it’s indifference. Life is complex, and not everyone is going to like everyone else. Just because someone doesn’t appreciate another person doesn’t mean they hate them—that’s an extreme view. It could just mean they don’t like them as much as others do. Personal preference is not a personal attack.
Layer 2: This suggests that if someone doesn’t support the poster, “they were born messed up.” This extreme all-or-nothing thinking is a way to manipulate people into thinking they either have to support him (to be good) or not support him (and be messed up). But this is just an illusion. There are other options, like not supporting him and still being good, or supporting him being messed up…among other things.
Life is complex, and people are different. Despite being told we’re all unique, statements like this try to make us all the same.
29. The idea that there are only “two types of people” is extreme. While this is a silly example, some people use all-or-nothing thinking in manipulative ways. They might suggest you are wrong, bad or dumb if you don’t do what they want or believe what they want you to believe.
30. All-or-nothing thinking can lead to you not realizing you have more options.
Or you can sit and process your emotions while also knowing you will eventually get up and try again. This is called *resiliency*
31. Statements like these might make it seem like we don’t have any choice, but personally, I prefer to start packing the day before I leave and finish up in the morning before I go.
32. It might surprise some, but there are times when I like to chat and have conversations, times when I prefer to be alone, and other times when I’m okay with whatever happens and just go with the flow.
33. Magazines might try to convince us that we have to choose between minimalism and maximalism in design, but there are many other design options in between that we can explore.
34. The notion that “boys don’t cry” is a type of extreme thinking that is also a limiting belief.
35. Sometimes, all-or-nothing thinking doesn’t only come from either/or situations. It can also come from fake promises and extreme claims, like saying you can lose 10 pounds in just one week. Not only is this extremely unrealistic, but if someone believes it and can’t achieve it, they might feel like a total failure. Instead of realizing they were misled, they might think it’s all their fault.
36. Extreme results are also promised in personal development and marketing statements. Changing a belief, which is a thought you’ve had a lot, requires repeating a new and healthier belief. This process takes time. But just because it will take longer than the unrealistic and extreme expectation someone gave you doesn’t mean it isn’t valuable.
37. So make sure to look out for all-or-nothing thinking, and be sure to reject it. Because life is interesting and fun when it’s complex! And just when you think there are
You will be pleasantly surprised to know:
or maybe more…we all know that one person who runs out of toilet paper and puts napkins in the bathroom.
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About the author
Hi! I’m Lyndsey, creator of The Thought Method Company. I love explaining complex topics in an accessible way so you can improve your thoughts. If you want to know about a particular topic, let me know in the comments. Feedback, likes, shares and comments are greatly appreciated.