In poker, a tell is when a player moves a certain way that shows something about their hand. For instance, someone who clears their throat or leans back in their chair every time they’re dealt an Ace, or someone who looks visibly disappointed when the turn comes.
With thought literacy, we apply that same idea to thoughts so you can identify unhelpful thoughts and thought patterns.
Thought tells are words or phrases that signal a thought might be unhelpful. They are grouped into 6 categories.
This doesn’t mean that every time you use a specific word your thought is unhealthy, but it gives you a place to start, and it helps you get used to working with your thoughts.
Thought Tells
The goal isn’t to memorize the words, but to get familiar. For now, read through the list and consider if you use any of these words or phrases regularly.
To help you remember the six tells, use the mnemonic: Absolute Judgments Turn Simple Life Catastrophic.
1. Absolute Language
Absolute language can be a sign of all-or-nothing or extreme thinking. This line of thought can feel good in the moment because it brings a sense of certainty, but it also strips life of nuance and makes situations seem more permanent than they are.
- Always
- Never
- Everyone
- Anymore
- Nobody
- No one
- Everything
- Nothing
- Every time
- Either/or
Examples:
- I always get left out. I can’t do anything right anymore. (self)
- Everything is doomed. You’ll never buy a house. (environment)
- No one wants to date anymore. Everyone cheats. (others)
Always
Unhelpful: “You always ignore me.”
Neutral: “I always brush my teeth before bed.”
Never
Unhelpful: “I’ll never be successful.”
Neutral: “I’ve never been to Japan.”
Everyone
Neutral: “Everyone received the email.”
Unhelpful: “Everybody is judging me.”
2. Judgmental “I” Statements
These are identity based statements that turn a mistake, feeling, or experience into who you are. You don’t see yourself as an entire being but as one mistake, circumstance, or instance.
- I’m (insert negative label or assessment)
- I can’t (insert negative label or assessment)
Examples:
- I’m worthless.
- I’m pathetic.
- I’m broken.
- I’m stupid.
- I’m weak.
- I’m lazy.
- I can’t do anything right.
- I can’t be as good as others.
Self
Unhelpful: “I’m selfish.”
Neutral: “I put my needs first in that situation.”
Mistake
Unhelpful: “I’m a failure.”
Neutral: “I made a mistake.”
Experience
Unhelpful: “I’m broken.”
Neutral: “I’m trying to figure things out.”
3. “To Me”
Statements that frame events as happening to you rather than simply happening. They make situations feel more personal, intentional, or targeted than they are.
Examples:
- They were mean to me.
- This always happens to me.
- Why does this happen to me?
- Everyone is against me.
Example 1
Unhelpful: “They were mean to me.”
Neutral: “They were being mean.”
Example 2
Unhelpful: “They’re ignoring me.”
Neutral: “They haven’t responded.”
Example 3
Unhelpful: “This always happens to me.”
Neutral: “This happened.”
4. Should/Shouldn’t Statements
Using the words “should” or “shouldn’t” can be a sign that you’re viewing situations, people, or your life through rigid rules imposed by society, other people, or yourself.
Self
Unhelpful: “I should have my life figured out by now.”
Neutral: “I need to figure out what I want so I have direction.”
Environment
Unhelpful: “Life shouldn’t be this hard.”
Neutral: “Life is difficult right now.”
Others
Unhelpful: “They should know better.”
Neutral: “They made a different choice than I would have.”
5. Labeling
Reduce yourself, your environment, or others to a single characteristic or instance instead of recognizing their complexity or seeing them as part of a larger system.
Examples:
- Lazy
- Stupid
- Selfish
- Toxic
- Evil
- Weak
- Loser
- Narcissist
- Failure
Self
Unhelpful: “I’m a bad person.”
Neutral: “I regret what I did.”
Environment
Unhelpful: “This is a toxic workplace.”
Neutral: “This workplace has several unhealthy dynamics.”
Others
Unhelpful: “He’s irresponsible.”
Neutral: “He missed an important deadline.”
6. Catastrophizing
Extreme or disaster-oriented language.
Examples
- Disaster
- Ruined
- Hopeless
- Impossible
- Terrible
- Awful
- Devastating
- Worst
- Doomed
- Destroyed
Self
Unhelpful: “My life is ruined.”
Neutral: “I’m going through a difficult time.”
Environment
Unhelpful: “The economy is collapsing.”
Neutral: “The economy is facing significant challenges.”
Others
Unhelpful: “They’re going to destroy the company.”
Neutral: “I’m concerned their decisions could hurt the company.”
How to Use the Tells
To use the tells, first become familiar with them. You can do this by putting each tell into a sentence using your own words or by thinking of times you’ve heard it in your environment.
For example, American news often uses catastrophic and extreme language, as do many songs, especially love songs.
Once you familiarize yourself with the tells, you can look at old journal entries, or think about past experiences with a high emotional charge, and consider if any of the tells were present in your thoughts at the time.
The more you familiarize yourself with the tells, the easier it becomes to notice and reframe them.
Check out this article for more examples of extreme all-or-nothing thinking in common culture.
Thought tells help you build thought pattern recognition which is a key part of thought awareness.
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Thoughts?