A friend called. He needed to vent about a work situation. I asked if there was anything I could do. He said he was open to feedback. I said, “there were a lot of shoulds.”

Should Thinking the Thinking Distortion

While telling his story, I noticed he kept saying things he should do, or what he should have done, and what he should do now. I kept wondering, but what does he want?

When I asked him directly, there was a long pause over the phone.

Previously I wouldn’t have noticed, but I had been focusing on learning about thoughts, and had my own “should thinking” woes.

I told him I think it would be helpful if he asked himself what he needs in this situation, and to consider where these ideas of what he should be doing came from.

A Thought Literate Approach

About a week later he told me what I said resonated. He noticed the shoulds and when he asked himself what he needed, he felt a lot better about his work situation.

He also noticed should thinking in a lot of others areas of his life, and when it was time for his weekly therapy appointment he wanted to focus on it. His therapist was happy to help (and told him to extend me a thank you for the insight).

This was over five years ago. I didn’t realize back then just how truly important this moment would be to me. But now I see it for what it was, an ideal for thought literacy.

Nuance in the Black and White

It’s seem pretty obvious that you shouldn’t need a PhD to understand your thoughts, but that’s not how we operate on the day to day. The majority of people don’t know about their thoughts or how their mind works. They spend more time avoiding thoughts and would rather electrically shock themselves than sit alone with their thoughts.

This temperament toward thoughts is reinforcing itself. Lack of knowledge makes thoughts seem mysterious. People think thoughts are hard to decode, they ignore them or don’t try to learn about them at all. This fear and gap in knowledge leaving people susceptible to extremes and thinking you need to be a licensed therapist to talk about basic thought literacy concepts.

But if my friend told me they were having knee pain, and I asked them what exercises they’ve been doing, it doesn’t mean I’m trying to play medical doctor. I’m trying to give advice based on previous experience and knowledge of knee injuries. And the advice may end up being: I’d see a doctor.

So since words like “should” are a possible sign of disorganized thinking. Pointing that out to a friend doesn’t mean I’m trying to diagnose them, but helping them fill in a gap of knowledge that might be harming them. While also sparing them from generic advice or fueling the situation by focusing on the other party.

The Ideal Thought Literacy

This is what I picture for the future of thought literacy, mental well-being, and therapy. A thought literate populace that’s able to identify certain thought patterns, in themselves, or sometimes their friends, and use it as a suggestion for where to focus.

I’m not expecting everyone to be an armchair psychologist, but to know of unhealthy thought habits and to give themselves (and potentially others) friendly reminders when they lose track.

People would be empowered and have access to their own minds. Turning stressful situations into insights even if that insight is, I need a break or I’ll get burnout. And they will be able to manage their thoughts and lean on supportive measures like therapy when needed.

Instead of empty platitudes, the idea of replacing unhelpful “shoulds” with “needs” would be the common advice.

To learn more about thought literacy you can check out the thought literacy framework here.